A year ago, after a series of traumatic events and some terrifying and bold decisions I made, I faced the most massive test of faith ever for me. Exactly a year ago, I experienced technicolor panic, two days away from being utterly homeless—before breakthrough came and my circumstances dramatically turned around.
The previous two years were quite a tumultuous blur…I was going through a divorce after 33 years of a difficult marriage. I made the decision to leave my city to get away from decades of memories, crushing rejection, and judgmental people so I could get a fresh start in a new place.
Unbelievably generous and loving people took me in as I put all my stuff in storage except what I could fit in a spare bedroom—to heal and sort through the broken pieces of my life, facing the trauma of all my fears as I asked myself, “Will I be able to survive?”
Bravest thing I have ever done, to step out and try, when inside I felt like an utter failure. Only a handful of people knew and understood and stayed with me. Some gave me hell for my decisions, but they didn’t know the whole story. Most of my friends kept their distance because it was awkward and they didn’t know what to say, I think. Their silence hurt, though. I know I put up some protective walls as well—I was so raw.
I felt devastated, having to leave my own beautiful home to learn a new city, find new friends, doctors, and routines, live with new families and their house rules, and not have any of my own personal space other than a bedroom, though extremely thankful to have that much. Mildly put, my ’style’ was cramped. It hurt to breathe sometimes.
I moved between a couple of homes, with my two doggies, working as best I could and saving everything I earned, which wasn’t much, because I was barely functioning. My new ‘families’ let me process my pain with them and they prayed and loved me back to life in too many ways to count. To enjoy their blessed roofs over my head was a miracle—what a sacrifice for them…to do…for Me.
A year ago it became apparent I needed to move again. I was blessed to house sit for some folks who had their house on the market for a few weeks. I took a two-week Dream trip (teaching, work and being exquisitely lavished by my Irish friends). I had lived out of my suitcase for 8 weeks and then returned to the USA with only a few days to find somewhere to live. I was weary. No one had room in their inn for me and my dogs. The horrible rental rat traps I looked at for way too much money was beyond discouraging. I felt pretty hopeless and alone.
It is one thing to say you have faith that your prayers are heard and that you know you will be taken care of, but when put to the test, it could be another thing. I admit—I was an emotional mess! I tried to have faith, but things looked pretty bleak. I spent long days with my dogs in the car looking for places to rent, not having a steady job that assured I could even commit to a rent payment.
I felt my biggest fear was about to come true—to be homeless, living in my car. At least I HAD a car! Or stuck in a stinky tiny beige boring apartment and working a job I hate. There. I said it. I was staring THAT WORST FEAR in the face. Misery and failure and homelessness.
I was on the verge of signing a rental agreement for a most pitiful little place when I heard the Spirit of Truth tell me: “Don’t settle for less than the very best I have for you.”
Angrily, I reminded the Spirit that I it wasn’t beneficial or kind to wait till the last minute to help me! I was disoriented and quite unsettled.
However, with two days to spare, one friend of several who had been helping me in my frantic search for digs pulled up a new rental ad and we decided to go look.
I had been having dreams about Green. Go for Green, they said. And on a recent trip across town, every traffic light on the journey was green—it was quite obviously another confirming sign. But I had no idea what all this meant.
I drove up to this house with ridiculous bright green shutters, not even ready to be rented out, yet all of the doors were open. We went inside and the walls were painted a most beautiful shade of green.
I knew I was home. Welcome home to GREEN! No ugly beige. Go, Girl! New Beginnings. Life and peace. And this home has been just that for me.
Just in the nick of time my answer arrived…and this home has been the most beautiful, comfortable, fabulously peaceful place I have ever lived…with a fantastic landlord, neighbors that are like family, space—and lots of beauty all around that feeds my spirit and soul. I thank God every day for this beautiful blessing that feels like a mansion meant for a princess. It was just exactly what I needed.
Shortly after moving in, I finally found the perfect job. Just right for me. Peaceful. Work that stretches me but is not stressful or overwhelming. Good folks. I couldn’t have it any better. Everything has fallen into place, including my grateful heart that now knows how to slide more graciously through difficulties.
I learned my lesson about the role and function of panic and how pointless it is. How I am truly cared for when I don’t even see what is coming. How I pour way too much energy into feeding my fears and not anticipating my upcoming delights.
And still even more was provided for me to travel to two major Reachouts as well as a vacation with my kids this past year. Life is really abundant. There have been many provisional miracles along the way. Now, I’m happy. Living with a heart that has been made whole because of miraculous provision that has changed the way I think and the way I see life. I’ve moved from surviving to thriving. From lacking to prospering. From Fear to Faith. I look back and remember the panic…and wish I could have whispered to that terrified person back there, “Your answers are coming! Relax and enjoy the unfolding. You’re going to be ok.”
Boy, am I thankful I didn’t listen to the MANY critics and naysayers and the voices within that told me I would fail and be miserable. I’m so glad I decided to not settle for less than the very best than what my Father had planned for me.
My deepest thanks to those who reached out and helped me, became my friends, helped me get through the most difficult but beautiful transition in my life. What would I have done without you?
We need to be there for each other, people! Lend a helping hand. Give a word of encouragement. For over a year, people took me in and fed me, listened to me, held me while I cried. I couldn’t have made it without you. Thank you!
I know this is only the beginning. Many exciting adventures are unfolding on the horizon. With my heart full of faith, my heart full of light and life, I’m ready to tackle it and go full steam ahead. It’s time to dream again!